stream of consciousness

Who Are You?

Do you know who you are? Do you know what type of person you want to be? Who do you dream of being? What do you imagine your life like?

Do I really know who I am? Sometimes I don’t think so. Sometimes I feel like I’m only working with a few small pieces of a very large puzzle.  I know that I have been through a number of life changing events, and they have all helped me to become very strong, but diving deep and really learning things about yourself and who you are, or genuinely want to be, is not easy. Sometimes you discover some things that you’d rather not face or address, but if you want to make progress you must.

I know that I have this intense desire and OCD to control everything in my life which can cause me horrible anxiety. I know that I love to write, yet I’m always hesitant to start, I’m nervous to place that pen down on the paper and form letters.

I know that I am generally a very kind being, and most people like me. I know I am smart when I try, I know I do have a strong work ethic and that at times I need a challenge.  I get lazy way to easy, and sometimes I judge too harshly.  I know that my self esteem is low, I know there’s about 800 things I want to do and accomplish, yet I’m scared to put myself out there.

I know I love to learn, and explore, but I’m also so scared to take a leap and just live life. I know that I still have a lot of fight left in me.  I know I’m neat and organized, I like to be healthy and happy…I could go on for a while and I did in my journal. In the end the person I dream of being is someone with confidence, having stronger faith in myself, is helpful in a number of ways and could influence people for the better.

Everything in life can be a goal, as long as you’re trying for something, that’s better then sitting around twiddling your thumbs.

So I suppose the next step is to work on getting to those points I want to be at in life. I can take what I currently know about myself and use it to benefit me to make me better. I can make changes if I need to. And in the process of doing so I’ll be able to dive deeper and learn even more about myself.

I’ve read before that it’s important to be best friends with yourself since you’re the one that has to live with you forever. I really believe that loving yourself is very important to a happy and healthy life. If you can’t love yourself, how can you expect or allow others to love you? You fall in love with something or someone because of certain traits they have. These traits range from amazing oddities like a boyfriend who likes to surprise you with little gifts every so often, all the way to annoying quirks like how said boyfriend inefficiently uses the Google Search tool. It’s those unique qualities that draw us to people we like, and if you dig deep enough, you’ll find things about yourself you didn’t even realize you loved doing.

Quick example, when my boyfriend works and he’s gone for dinner, I started eating my meals standing up in my kitchen while flipping through magazines or watching youtube videos, it’s weird, but it feels great and it was something new I learned about myself. Which was kind of cool.

So how well do you really know yourself? When was the last time you broke from routine and did something different? When was the last time you gave in to what you really wanted? What things about yourself do you love? Despise? Where do you want to go and who do you want to be?

If you seriously have answers to those, you’re amazing.

Most important to remember, and this is more for myself,  that this journey is going to be difficult and at times possibly uncomfortable and painful, but I need to keep pushing forth.

❤ Truly

Lindsey Grace

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